


Love for Love by Love of Love

by punktalk



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 01:55:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19758217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punktalk/pseuds/punktalk
Summary: Love was such a common mistake, and yet...It was definitely love.





	Love for Love by Love of Love

**Author's Note:**

> im feeling a certain way so i wrote this lol  
> based off a song by the same name by pinocchiop!

Ren had never truly loved someone.

He had crushes as he grew up, but only because he felt to out of obligation. Everyone else had one, why didn't he? He had a short relationship with a girl in junior high. He thought he loved her, but it was just wishful thinking.

After he got a criminal record, he felt like he could never trust someone again. He thought it was weird for him to jump to that conclusion from such an experience, but he couldn't stop that thought. He wanted to get through his high school career and move on with his life.

Then he met Ryuji.

He didn't think anything of him the first time they met. But after the two of them awoke to their personas... something clicked. The more they would hang out, the more they would go into the palace together... Ren felt something.

That April night, he opened his probation diary and wrote one sentence.

_I fell clumsily into love._

He could never understand why these feelings developed. Maybe it was because Ryuji was nice. Maybe it was because Ryuji was charming. Maybe both, maybe neither. Love was weird that way. The longer the two spent time together, the more thieving they did, the more the feelings grew. On Ryuji's birthday, the two were fishing. It was quiet. Ren decided to speak.

"Would you ever date a guy?"

Ryuji lifted an eyebrow at this. "Date a guy? Hell no, I'm not gay. You coming on to me or somethin'?"

Ren heard his heart break. His mouth ran dry. "Ah, no. I was just wondering. I didn't mean to offend." He couldn't look Ryuji in the eye anymore. A deep wave of shame ran over him the whole rest of the day. He made an excuse to leave early, saying that Sojiro needed him back at the cafe. They bid their goodbyes and Ren hurried home. As soon as he got to the attic, he opened the probation diary and wrote again.

 _It was a childish love_.

The more their team grew, the more it hurt. He watched Ryuji fawn over the girls of the Phantom Thieves, to no success. He heard him talk about how hot this girl was, how sexy that girl is. Ren could only nod along, playing pretend that he wasn't dying inside. He never wanted these feelings. He wanted to be normal, to love like Ryuji. So why, why did he have to love him instead? He couldn't understand.

So he pushed him away.

Another diary entry.

_With time, I killed that love._

Ryuji and Ren only saw each other in the hallways at school and at Phantom Thieves meetings. He could tell Ryuji couldn't understand why the two weren't friends anymore. He could never tell him why. It would just make him feel like leaving the Phantom Thieves and never coming back. All because of Ren and his disgusting feelings. The year continued.

Ann caught him one day.

"Why are you avoiding Ryuji?" Straight to the point, just as he'd expect from her.

"It's nothing."

"Obviously not. You two used to be so close, what happened? Did he do anything?"

Ren shook his head. "No, it's nothing that he did, just..." He drifted off. Ann stared, waiting for him to finish his thought.

"Ren, what's going on? You've been so out of it since July."

Ren stood in silence. He felt like he was about to cry. He finally spoke, in a voice that she could barely hear.

"I love him."

Ann just stared in shock.

_It was painful, wasn't it?_

Ann didn't press it any more. He still got the same confused looks from Ryuji, so he knew Ann didn't tell. The more time went on, the more palaces were destroyed, the more Ryuji understood Ren didn't want anything to do with him. He was less involved in Thieves meetings, he avoided him just as much as Ren had. Ren noticed this quickly. It hurt more than when he had pushed him away initially.

_With time, I lost that love._

It was a pivotal time in the Phantom Thieves career. They were so close to getting to Shido. After what Akechi had done for him, he realized they have to take Shido's heart for his sake. He called a thieves meeting so they can discuss their final plan. Ryuji was the first to show up.

"Shit, I'm the first here. I even waited longer at home to make sure this wouldn't happen."

"Ryuji-"

"Can it, dude. Don't try to act all buddy-buddy with me after you've avoided me for months. I don't know what the eff I did wrong, but I'd have appreciated it if you just told me rather than cutting me off all together."

Ren stood in shocked silence. He was right. He didn't deserve to be friends with him again, especially after what he had done to him. He was awful. "I'm sorry." A barely audible apology.

Ryuji just scoffed. "Whatever, man. I'm just here to finish what we started." A second of silence. "To think that the person that helped start this all would be pushed away." His heart broke even more at the hurt tone Ryuji had.

"I did it for your own good."

Ryuji looked up at him. "What do you mean, 'my own good'?"

"I..." He feels like he's about to cry. He can barely say the words. It hurts to even think about. "I love you."

He reacts just like Ann did. He just stares. The lack of a reply was enough.

"I'm cancelling the meeting. You can go home." Ren turns away and goes to his room.

"Yeah, see ya..." He doesn't see him go, but he hears the door open and close. He texts the group that something came up and the meeting is cancelled. He heard the buzz of people replying, but he didn't want to look.

_The very same love I mocked._

_A fleeting love._

That night, the stillness of it all was too much. His heart hurt from what he had done to himself, but mostly to Ryuji. He left his bed and opened his metanav. He was going to mementos, on the most impulsive mission ever.

The world shifted around him. He was alone in the railroads. He walked down the road, trying to search for the most powerful shadows he could. Before long, the sound of chains rustled through the halls of the subway. He knew what was coming. He accepted his fate. The Reaper came into sight at the end of the hall, making its way menacingly towards him.

He knew he would be letting his team down. He would be leaving so many people. But it was better than living with these feelings.

He tossed his knife and gun. He walked towards the figure with calmness.

_I aimlessly believed in a happy future..._


End file.
